(N.B - This is part three of the story, ensure you’ve read part one & two before proceeding)
START THE IVF
Natural conception didn't occur, so we go back after three months and agree to start the process. We got a rundown of the process, a quote for fees, and were referred to the actual IVF clinic (which is separate from the doc) to go get all our drugs.
The whole IVF cycle only takes about 4 weeks. 2 weeks of bad things, then 2 weeks of waiting to do the pregnancy test. So it was a bit like shooting down one of those old steel slippery slides that's been in sun all day. Fast, but you feel like you've been skinned by the end of it.
We met with a nurse who handed over two bags of needles and pills and showed us how to inject the needles ourselves. I was pretty weirded out by this part. It just seemed so real and very unnatural. But, whatever, we're doing this. Junkies inject themselves all the time, how hard can it possibly be?
We were given a timeline of when to start the needles - it's all timed with your cycle so you've gotta do things at the right times or it doesn't work.
We were to start the needles on day two of my 'cycle'. TMI I know, but hey, you're the one still here reading this. On day one I had to go get a blood test to check my hormones were at a baseline, and we had to wait for the doctor to let us know that we could start. We got the go-ahead, and here's what we had to do:
THE NEEDLES
Needle One (red one)- inject yourself each morning in the gut with this happy little fella for 4 days. This one gets kept in the fridge, so when you have guests over you can offer them "Tea? Coffee? Hormonal injection?". This injection forces your ovaries to grow and mature a shit load more eggs than it normally would in a month. They do this so the harvest is bountiful.
Needle Two (middle one) - Day 5, as well as Needle One, start injecting this more painful one right in your gut. It made me go red and sting for a while. This one stops you ovulating so they doctors don't miss their window to scoop up the eggs at the right time.
Needle Three* (top one) - I had a scan on day 6 which showed that my left ovary had, rather than grow any eggs, instead had decided to grow a nice big fat cyst. Excellent. So, I was given ANOTHER needle, Needle 3, to start taking for the next 4 days which was intended to make the eggs in my right ovary grow bigger and faster, seeing as we have half of the potential egg field available to plow.
*There’s a story to Needle 3. Needle 1 & 2 were pre-loaded, you just had to ram em in. Needle 3 came with a syringe, a bottle of liquid, a bottle of powder, a big needle to pierce the bottle of liquid, which you would then draw it up and squirt it into the bottle of powder, mix it up, then draw it all back into the syringe. You would then take off the big needle and replace it with a smaller one that wouldn't leave a 5cm hole in your gut. The doctor gave me the injection at her office, so I had to do it for three days at home myself. She was in a rush and jammed a bag of drugs in my hand and wished me luck.
I get home and inspect the contents. I pull up a youtube video on how to do it because I needed a refresher and it was a bit complicated. I watch the video. I get Isaac to watch it. I watch it again. I look at the bag of drugs. I have 6 little bottles, one syringe, and two large needles. I should have 6 bottles, three syringes, three large needles, and three small needles. Was I meant to reuse the syringe? Do I just use the giant needle to inject myself?
By this time it's 8pm on Friday night, the clinic is closed for the weekend, I absolutely need to take this injection for the next three days or the cycle is ruined and I'll need to start again next month. What do I do? I google 'can I buy needles and syringes I'm not a junkie promise'. I decide to go to the chemist and do my best to appear not like a junkie and ask if they'll sell me some. I go to take the medication to show I need it for a legit reason, then remember the doctor gave me the leftovers of someone else’s drugs - the box has another lady's name on it and it's scribbled out. So I have medication with someone else’s name on it and I need syringes! Yeah, sounds legit. Anyway - turns out you can get them at the chemist and they don't bat an eye. FYI needles are $1 and syringes are 50c. Bargain.
So now it's day 9, I've had three needles rammed in my gut for breakfast (p.s Isaac has been amazing through all this and he did every single one of my injections for me while I screwed my eyes up, whimpered, and refused to look). I get another scan which confirms the harvest is ripe, and I'm given my fourth and final needle.
Needle Four - Makes you ovulate. The doctors need to harvest the eggs once the ovaries have released them, so they need to force you to ovulate considering you've just been taking injections to stop you ovulating. So, once you take this needle, in two days’ time you'll be firing out eggs and the doc needs to be there ready with a bucket to catch em (aka. the Harvest).
THE HARVEST
Two days later I'm in hospital getting put sleep so my doctor and several other people can watch her dig around in my ovaries and vacuum up as many eggs as she can. The medical team was amazing and really babied me. As they're sending me to sleep, my doctor holds my hand and says coos soothingly 'We're going to take good care of you' and the anesthetist pipes up 'and your eggs!' and his assistant nods seriously in agreement. 'Oh yes, and your eggs'.
Um...ok..Thank you?
THE SPANK BANK
While I'm getting dissected, again, Isaac is upstairs in the hospital making his 'donation'. I found a blog post by a guy about this which I think describes it pretty well: Mans' IVF View (https://mansivfview.wordpress.com)
SO HOW WAS MY LUNCH TIME…. WENT IN TO A LITTLE AREA WHAT I’D LIKE TO CALL THE DRY HAND ROOM (MALE SPECIMEN ROOM)
FILL IN A FORM AND PATIENTLY WAIT – ANALYSE THE OTHER PEOPLE WAITING… WONDER HOW LONG I SHOULD TAKE IN THE ROOM? DO I SPEND THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME IN THE ROOM AS THE LAST PERSON? SIT AND WONDER WAS HE TOO QUICK? CAN I LAST THAT LONG? OH GOD THIS IS A TOUGH ONE.
GOT THE CALL TO GO TO THE “QUIET ROOM” BUT WHAT IF I WANT TO GET ALL NOISY?
GRAB THE POT AND CONFIRM THAT IT’S ME ON THE LABEL AND THEN ENTER THE ROOM. AH THE MOOD LIGHTENING, SOFT MUSIC PLAYING, COMFY BED WAITING FOR ME, RANGE OF READING MATERIAL….. GOD I HAVE GOT A GOOD IMAGINATION.
CLINICAL BED, BOX OF MAGAZINE.
SO WHAT HAVE I LEARNT FROM LUNCH TIME?
-THE EDITORIAL CONTENT OF HUSTLER IS FAR SUPERIOR TO READERS WIVES
-LATE 1990’S HAD A FASHION FOR THE PARTIAL TUFT
-ANNE 24 FROM NORTHAMPTON PROBABLY ISN’T 24 WHICH GOT ME THINKING WAS SHE ACTUALLY FROM NORTHAMPTON?
-SILVIA 38 FROM NEWCASTLE COULD DO WITH SOME BRACES TO STRAIGHTEN THESE TEETH A LITTLE
-THE HOT TOPIC IN HUSTLER WAS WHAT WAS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING YOUR MAN HAD DONE… I MEAN COME ON THAT ISN’T THE FIRST PLACE I’D LOOK FOR INSPIRATION.
LITTLE KNOCK ON THE DOOR TO ASK IF I’M ALRIGHT… TO BE ANSWERED WITH ALL GOOD HERE JULIE JUST GOT CARRIED AWAY READING THE LATEST PASSIONATE EPISODE OF MARY AND THE MAINTENANCE MAN AND WONDERING IF SHE WOULD OR WOULDN’T.
AH YES BACK TO THE MATTER IN HAND, SO TO SPEAK …. FINISH WHAT I HAD STARTED, DAB THE SWEAT FROM THE FOREHEAD AND TIDY MYSELF UP A LITTLE.
OF THE QUIET ROOM AND A LITTLE KNOCK ON THE HATCH TO SEE A BEARDED GUY SMILING BACK AT ME.
“DID YOU COLLECT ALL OF THE SAMPLE?”
“WHY YOU ASK GREG? DO I STILL HAVE A LITTLE ON MY MOUSTACHE?”
Isaac did mention there was a big red 'push for emergency' button right next to the wanking chair. Like, in what circumstances do you press it? Can you use it if you just need like, a hand? Or is it intended for 'Help I slipped in my jizz and I can't get up!'.
Anyway. They let Isaac take me home as soon as I'd woken up and eaten a sandwich. I'm sore. Isaac is FINE. He was 100% gonna beat off anyway that day. He probably did again while he was waiting for me. How unfair is all this stuff by the way? Throughout this whole process no one has even so much as glanced at his cock, let alone manhandle it or have a team of people cut it open to look at it several times. Yet at our very first appointment the doc asks me to whip out my vag. Outrageous.
THE PETRIE DISH
Later that day, they pour the jizz into the eggs and let them work out if they like or hate each other. We get a call from the lab several days later with an update on our petrie dish.
THE PUSSY PILLS
Now here is the thing no one tells you. I'd done a lot of reading before we started all of this, and nothing ever mentioned this horrific part. So after the harvest, each day I needed to take a progesterone pill THREE TIMES A DAY (to make the lady pouch thick and juicy and ready for the embryo to bury in). Do you swallow them? Guess again. In the Back Door? Wrong again. They go in the front door. Horrific, disgusting, and frankly I preferred the needles.
THE TRANSFER
Five days after the harvest, they squirt back in the best looking embryo and we freeze the rest. The process was similar to a pap-smear, except Isaac was there and I had an ultrasound so they could see if they were squirting it in the right spot. The lab guys were also there, awkwardly hovering around waiting for the doctor to tell them when to bring in the pipet with the embryo.
Our particular lab guy was youngish and good looking. He stands beside the doctor in front my splayed snatch, looks at it, glances up at Isaac, then glances politely and awkwardly at a spot on the floor until the doctor tells him he can go. He's dismissed and goes to check that the pipet is actually empty and the embryo isn't stuck in it.
While he's doing that, we engage in some casual conversation while I'm in an extremely compromising position.
I'm sent home, and we have to wait for two weeks until I can get a blood test to see if it worked or not. We're encouraged not to do a home pregnancy test, which of course we did.
THE RESULT
The home test was positive - the first positive I've ever seen in my whole life. The blood test was positive. I have another blood test in a few days - still positive.
Holy shit.
And here we are, over three months later.
The doctor said she's got no idea why we couldn't conceive naturally, and she has maybe one or two patients a year that get pregnant on the first go. Most people have many many tries and many miscarriages. We are incredibly lucky. We know this.
Want to know how much all of this has cost? Of course you do. Everyone does.
Including the initial appointments, the surgery, and the IVF cycle - $20,252 in total less rebates = $9,223 out of pocket.
And no, we're not finding out the gender. For one, it's irrelevant. We're in a rental apartment and our lease will be up about 3 months after the kid is born, so we won't be painting the room or even setting up the room. We also won't be buying a bunch of blue or pink stuff. The only colour clothing we want is BLACK - there's a challenge for the family. I haven't seen any. And secondly, we kinda want the surprise. This whole thing has been managed down to the day, and a little bit of randomness will be a good thing.
So that's it. I hope that answers everyone's questions :) Now if you don't mind, I need to have my third breakfast.