Let me paint you a picture (..God I'm funny)
We're camping. Beautiful setting with the trees and the birdsong, bubbling creek... how nice would it be to sit there and soak up the serenity while letting my creativity flow with some paints, and I don't know, paint a tree or something.
Now there are some kids around, which I expected, so I brought some supplies (read: my painting dregs I wanted to get rid of) for them to defile while I have a nice moment with the serenity. I don't know how old these kids are, I'm a terrible judge of age, but young Charlie is 8 (I think..) and the other two were shorter than her, so I can only assume that they are younger. So I got three kids to paint with, aged 8 or younger (probably).
I never had any younger siblings or cousins, or even friends with younger siblings. So I know as much about children as I do about the music preferences of foot fungus.
Some of you who have ever tried to do painting with kids probably know how this all went down and are already laughing at my idiotic idea that this would be a peaceful affair, but for me, what happened was pretty much a basketball to the face.
Here's what happened:
Me: Let's do some painting!
3 Kids: Yay!
Me: Ok here's the paints. You put them on this (paper palette) and here's your paper to paint on. Here's the brushes
*immediate squabbling for brushes, many cries of dismay and 'BUT I WANTED THAT ONE!*
Me: *a little taken aback* Ok..so...get some paint..and uh...paint something
Immediately all of them start up and don't stop for what feels like 6 years: HOW DO WE DO THIS? WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT'S THIS WATER FOR? STOP TOUCHING MY PAPER! THAT'S MY PAINT! GET YOUR OWN! NOOOOOOOO!!! I WANT TO SIT THERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS? NO I DON'T WANT HELP! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! CHAAAARLLLIIIEEEE!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *what the fuck...*
Kid 3: What colour is this??
Me: *pale faced* ah...the colour is printed on the tube.
Kid 3: I CAN'T READ!
REST OF THEM: YEAH SHE CAN'T READ! *just continual noise and fighting thereafter*
Later that afternoon in hell
Charlie: I'm gonna paint my foot orange!
Me: Um...not sure if Jess and your dad will like that.
Charlie: ....
Me: Ok but you're going to have to figure out how to get yourself to the tap to wash it off. I’m not helping.
Charlie *already halfway done painting her foot* Kayyy!
I committed suicide mentally approximately 4 minutes in. The afternoon closed with the kids getting paint all over their clothes, Charlie painted the whole bottom of her foot orange, they destroyed the picnic blanket we were sitting on and it had to be thrown out, and the finale was one of them bawling so hard her parents had to drag her away and put her bed.
So...yeah. It was about as peaceful as a hat full of screams.
P.S. I won the annual Englart Camping Dick Scone comp - a great honour. Although I feel it was a cheap win simply because mine was the largest. Next year, I have plans for more detail, including pink food dye. I will properly earn the privilege of reigning champ, dammit!
P.P.S: I didn't get a tick this camping trip. Woot.
